Save Me From My Own Mind

...Now that I've had a few days for reality to set in and the vacation coming to a close. I've decided that I do love the city. But its empty. I feel like I'm 19 again and I'm secretly going to SCAD counseling because I'm having "transition issues", but here there is no counselor, just me. my fear is slowly raring its ugly head. I thought I was strong enough, but even I can't hind this from myself, the fact is I don't even feel the same way, but when I look at him I see the face of rejection. And its draining me of any possible enjoyment here. Whats worse is that the people who normally make this type of thing seem like nothing are states away. I realized today that I've been so spoiled in Savannah, from my friends to my job. Being here has become too staged. I actually feel as if im in some show, where i just can't win for losing. (cue laughter, dez sucks HAHAHAHA) seriously!....it's pissing me off.

I realized that he planted a dirty seed in me. Before he was in the picture (wink) I didn't have a care. But now I have to have the attention of boys to feel good about myself. I always thought myself above that, but I've allowed someone to taint that, my self-confidence. I understand the mind of the slutty girl now. She's been rejected or worse asked to be best-friends WHAT? let me get this right, you want to benefits of best-friend but not the obligation of a relationship..ok...sure...why not!?!?...oh ...oh...I feared this too resenting him and becoming bitter...How is it that one person can destroy all the work I and my friends have done within me?!?!?!...I really don't know what to do..if you knew the fill extent of the situation, you'd understand the gravity of every decision I make in regard to me and this boy. The matter is much more sticky than you think...Lets just say that I'm capable of a big love, one that terrifies me...the one who ends up with Dez's big love should be ready because i love with every breath. My friends can feel it, if they're good they can spot it in my face when I'm staring at them...I'm really not that bad off...I have so many loves its silly...and really the lack of this one, should and soon will pale in comparison...the thing is that I know myself so well...I see the future...and it gets dark before the light!