beat: (aa)

So after a month of searching i have a job with American Apparel, go figure. Half my closet is filled with there merchandise. The jeans fix me to perfection.(i want to go fuck myself every time)So it just makes sense that I work there for a while. I get 150 in store to start, another every January and July and random give aways, I'm super excited. I knew I was gonna get it. The guy started showing me around before we even interviewed, so I'm like phew. Feels good. Jeez, I've become so standard here, I work at AA. I live in Wicker Park, I do art, hahahahaha. I'm the American Dream, jk. buuuut yea

beat: ursula+thomas, i wish you luck

Since I've been super umemployed, being here. I've had opportunity to talk to poeple that i wouldn't be able to normally via IM. My good friends Ursula and Thomas both are in New York, Williamsburg (my next life stop, on the dez line). knowing that the both of you are having the time of your life there, makes me just wanna go now, dang!

beat: designer, nivanya abraham

beat:no lord war

I Met Brian

love via internet

This I have grown not to believe in. Although i do understand. So often people need an escape from what's happening in their physical life (IRL(in real life), thanks Kerry), having to walk to the store, dealing with friends who are back stabbers, or just looking in the mirror and feeling ugly, so we go the Internet, this world where you can create yourself. It was odd to me that someone could get here and fall in love(awwwwKwwaaarrrrrddd)The truth is, people are fake on the Internet they are a cleaned polished version of themselves. I am. I'm not gonna put shitty pictures of myself up on the Internet, but I have them. We create profiles and screen names to attract a person, to get someone curious. I fell into "love" (infatuation) via Internet and let me tell ya that is rough. I realized that at the time i was secretly unhappy with a portion of my life. OH, but here was this cute boy that i met once who was willing to talk to me, share with me. I was filling a hole with him and he was filling a hole with me. These holes were so different. And that's how it happens, its easy and there is nothing wrong with it, it's just not how I want things to happen for me. Thank god I snapped out of it and not just become another victim of (I feel a corny one coming on)Digital Love (oooohhh) Everyone deserves something tangible. I want to do it the old fashion way. Where I'm being chased or me chasing I want to leave notes not emails.

Myspace-Facebook-Gay.Com-and my most recent DList, I'm not gonna delete any of them but I'm taking them less serious as I grow.

Oprah, where the heck are you?

Look, I'm searching for Oprah if anyone has seen her, tell dat bitch to call me.

SOMEONE IS GONNA GET MUSHED

Mosh: To place ones hand on anothers face and push, normal toward the ground.

GEORGE-The Hound

Just when i thought I had escaped Animal Kingdom, George enters my life. George Barber is the basset hound Joe and I have been dog sitting for Justin in exchange for a place to stay while we get setup. I only real problem with George is all the attention he gets when we're walking. Oh My F'ing God, I understand Diana when she says it annoying when people come and wan to touch all over your dog. People, maybe we have places to go, Maaaaaybe we don't want to sit and discuss the breed for an hour, maybe I don't give a shit what kind of dog you have. OK maybe I'm eibng a bitch, what else is new.

New Faces

Although savannah is making it's way to Chi-Town, there are some new faces, cute ones. This is Kirsten Joy, basically my fashion sketches. I stared like a creepo. I told her that I've been drawing her for years and oddly enough she wasn't weirded out, she even asked for my number and we're gonna hangout his weekend and be cute side by side, you know how I like my friendships(shallow). Completely based on how awesome we look together. I'm kidding(?) But seriously. Dustin's friend, Caity O'Toole, whom I plan to steal is suppose to hangout too. She's really fantastic. She has a sweet classiness (is that a word. I think so, fuck it)I'll have a photo soon. She likes pictures too...I can love this girl.

Savannah-Chicago Same Place?

I've been here for almost a month but for some reason I feel sort of as is I never left...and there has been alot of visitors from Savannah Who plan on moving here soon. Margarett and Jordan Marty and Dustin were here this past week. It was nice to see familiar faces, but dang Chicago has been nothing but familiar faces, I'm not mad, I just want to feel like I left.

I Gained A Clear Head

I've slowly gained a clear head with this boy. Now it feels normal. We haven't fought since the huge one. Instead it seems like we flirt more, it's weird. Its as if we both finally understand this situation and can make fun of it, or just relax and be normal. God knows I've been trying to just be myself around him and not be super guarded and afraid of falling back into that fog. I find himself wanting to hug him more.(not afraid of being my usual touchy and affectionate self) He needs that. I need that. We are oddly the same person. Our thought process, reactions and words are usual right on point. It's just odd. I'm ready to know who else is out there waiting for me to ruin there life

The Dark Knight

I saw The Dark Knight, and I loved it. Watching a movie and living in  the location where it was filmed gives movies to me a whole new feel. This just furthers my need for New York. Heath was fantastic, fucking fantastic.

Raging in Chicagooooooo

i really love this place

Feist On Sesame Street

Save Me From My Own Mind

...Now that I've had a few days for reality to set in and the vacation coming to a close. I've decided that I do love the city. But its empty. I feel like I'm 19 again and I'm secretly going to SCAD counseling because I'm having "transition issues", but here there is no counselor, just me. my fear is slowly raring its ugly head. I thought I was strong enough, but even I can't hind this from myself, the fact is I don't even feel the same way, but when I look at him I see the face of rejection. And its draining me of any possible enjoyment here. Whats worse is that the people who normally make this type of thing seem like nothing are states away. I realized today that I've been so spoiled in Savannah, from my friends to my job. Being here has become too staged. I actually feel as if im in some show, where i just can't win for losing. (cue laughter, dez sucks HAHAHAHA) seriously!....it's pissing me off.

I realized that he planted a dirty seed in me. Before he was in the picture (wink) I didn't have a care. But now I have to have the attention of boys to feel good about myself. I always thought myself above that, but I've allowed someone to taint that, my self-confidence. I understand the mind of the slutty girl now. She's been rejected or worse asked to be best-friends WHAT? let me get this right, you want to benefits of best-friend but not the obligation of a relationship..ok...sure...why not!?!?...oh ...oh...I feared this too resenting him and becoming bitter...How is it that one person can destroy all the work I and my friends have done within me?!?!?!...I really don't know what to do..if you knew the fill extent of the situation, you'd understand the gravity of every decision I make in regard to me and this boy. The matter is much more sticky than you think...Lets just say that I'm capable of a big love, one that terrifies me...the one who ends up with Dez's big love should be ready because i love with every breath. My friends can feel it, if they're good they can spot it in my face when I'm staring at them...I'm really not that bad off...I have so many loves its silly...and really the lack of this one, should and soon will pale in comparison...the thing is that I know myself so well...I see the future...and it gets dark before the light!

EKCHO

HAHAhAhahH...funny thing happened. As I was living Kendra and Correy's, I came to the Wicker Park intersection. I rolled up beside this girl with a silver helmet. After I rode passed her, she soon started yelling, HEY. She said to me, "you've got really great style, no really, I'm rarely impressed" At this point, the girl has already won me over (DUH). So she proceeds to offer me a helmet and pot...OK...So i go to her house. We exchange numbers and myspaces. she also invites me to this party where apparently anyone who's anyone in Wicker Park will be sooooo i must...(you know how much i love stuff like this)...Diana has it in my head that I'm gonna be the EKCHO of Chicago...i hope she's right...this party better be fun....


LATER THAT DAY....i went to Liar Club...where Justin (Select Inverse) was DJ'ing (spinning) We remember Justin right...from Savannah, hung out with Ursula and Katie "Crutchies" older kinda awkward but really nice....kinda gay...anywho. Him and Avi a lesbian who went to SCAD were very good i think I'll make that my Wednesday hangout for now...it was laid back the music was good and the drinks either cheap or free...my kinda place....man i can't wait for tori and Rachel to come....

wall.e

my first movie in chicago was Wall.e, probably the best thing ive watched in a long time. i'm not gonna give the story away, but it will move you, who knew robots could be so fantastic. i could probably watch this a hundred times. OH...i know i'm late but i just saw cloverfield, shits crazy.

j

j

New Hope

So as you guys know, I'm in a new city. I have friends here, good ones, but nothing like going out and finding new people on your own. Having Joe, Jill, Frank and Justin here really helped my transtioning. However today i had coffee with Kendra Katzman, Joan's friend from Michigan, who visited Savannah a few months prior. We discovered that we both were moving to Chicago around the same time and decided we should be friend in this new city. Turns out Kendra is even more awesome than I remember. On top of that she a really cool roommate, Correy Law. I have a feeling I found two potentailly good friend...and shit! they're super fucking cute...and we all know how much I enjoy cute, funny girls who ride bikes... I mean i haven't hung out with them much but i have a really good feeling. Just like how I had a really good feeling about Tori, Michelle, Jonathan, Austin, Diana, Migs, Brenna, Ashley, Jill, Joe, Ward, Shari, Steph, Ursula, Katie, I could go on, but you know who you are!

THANKS BRENNA

the time here so far

a. Tonight i had to leave. It would have been darker if I stayed. We went to MiniBar, beautiful place and beautiful people to match. According to my mental records this place should be a fantastic place to be to me. NO. Joe went off to mingle and I did the same. I'm not sure what Joe found but I found snobbery, the worst kind. Blunt in your face snobbery. At least when I'm being snobby I have the common decency to turn my head then roll my eyes. I went to shake this guys hand he barely touched gave me a dirty look and turned away. Then his friend turns to me and goes, "sorry, he's a bitch" (no shit), I was so floored and annoyed. Then of course, because God likes to see me snap at people. This girl walks by and goes, "You look confused" and gives a nasty side eye. Whaaa???!!!!! So I lean into her soul and say with crazy in my eyes, "get out of my face". I look up and I notice everyone is giving everyone side eye sex eye or disgust eye. Then I realized to my horror and my buzz completely lost,  I really didn't want to be here. At the same time didn't want to remove from having a good time. So found him. and left. Taxi.Bus.Foot

b.then i realize i lost my wallet. no money was in it. the thing is. i really don't care that it's gone. Honestly...i didn't even think about it until a sec ago. I just hope Joe had fun...

Spoilers

I've been spoiled...I've meet so many fantastic people, who think that I'm fantastic too. (I don't know anything else.) He's right! I am in a bubble, my bubble and coming out of it is difficult. But SHIT, it's pretty in here...and it smell nice, like breakfast.i love and miss all of my spoilers

I drift

hmm...It's 7 sometime in the morning, I'm coming to the conclusion of my first weekend as Chicagoian, whatever you get it, and here i am creating a blog, it's fine. I'm creating it out of a strange feel of disconnection. Disconnection from what I know as normal. I really dislike writing these things, because I appear sad or "gay" or dare I say in a hushed tones (emo). I left Savannah in search of something. I have no idea where it hides. In me? f.that.

     Well at least I found this blog [check]

here's a little dez

!